Disclaimer: I do not own the characters…they belong to themselves and the writers. Damn…I wanted to own them!



Summary: Sam finally lets go on how he truly feels.



Rated: R (language)



Pain



When it came down to people confiding with one of the Winchester brothers, I was always the lucky chosen one.

Of course it was their choice, not mine. I guess I came off as the understanding sort – when really I didn’t have a clue. Or I did and just cared enough to listen. Only they never really knew the truth. I didn’t even know the truth half the time.

Madness was the only thing keeping me going. Anger. Finding my father and then this Demon that killed Jessica…it kept me on my feet when all I wanted to do was crumble in pain and misery. Only I owed it to Jess to find the bastard that did this to her…that did this to mom.

Mom – the word that comes so easily from the mouths of children all around me. It should have been easy for me to say the word, but truly I never really knew her. Pictures, letters…now that was my ticket to knowing mom. Of course I had to look at them when Dean and Dad weren’t around to answer my never-ending questions. No matter how older I got I still had questions, questions that were never really answered by either of the men I call family.

I know it sounds cold coming from me, but that’s how I feel. It was one of the reasons why I left. Why I ran away, when I should have stayed and faced everything head-on. Maybe if I had, Jess would still be here. Not with me, but alive. And I could live with that.

Since just before her death, something was changing in me, and I felt it in every muscle in my body. I refused to panic while Jessica was around, which was why I chose to go with Dean on the trip to finding dad. I already knew he was gone, I already knew I had to go – I just didn’t expect the nightmares to actually come true. To see my girlfriend pinned to the damn ceiling with blood falling on my face.

Dean says I should be open about how I feel, but half the time he was never open with me. Yeah, he talked a lot, but that was Dean’s way of keeping people – even his own flesh and blood – at arms length. Afraid that if they got too close he would lose them. And that’s how I feel every time we get closer to finding Dad. I feel that it’s my fault that the people I love the most are now dead.

It all started with me, and somehow I know it will end with me. This darkness that is growing steadily inside me is getting stronger. I’m so afraid of what’s going to happen next. Each dream has me terrified; each vision I get has my heart pumping so fast I feel like it is going to explode. Each hunt we’re on, I feel like it could be our last.

I can’t say the words out loud, so I will say them here…in the one place that I feel I can say anything in. The one place where I can just be myself and not Sam, the sidekick – or Sam, the brother. Here, I can just be Sam, and tell the truth and not feel the need to defend myself.

So I will say the words…no strength required, no rapid breathing, no aching headaches, or my chest feeling like it’s about to cave in. I can say it here. Now.

I’m not okay.



THE END





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